


Courage

by soopsoop



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Coming Out, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, tj and amber are siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 14:28:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19396045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soopsoop/pseuds/soopsoop
Summary: Five times Cyrus was too scared.(and one time he wasn't)





	Courage

_1._

_BOOM_

Five year old Cyrus sat under his bedroom desk, his blanket wrapped around his body. His little hands clutched the fabric as tightly as he could, fearing it would be torn away if he dared to loosen his grip. He had been rudely woken up by the storm raging outside, and was now huddled out of fear. The loud thunder, the flashes of lightning, the howling wind, it was more than Cyrus could bear. He sat with his hands over his ears and his eyes screwed shut, trying to block off as much as was going on as possible. Realistically, he knew that everything was happening outside, so he was perfectly safe in his room. At least, that’s what his parents had told him.

But if that was true, then why was he so afraid?

He contemplated waking up his parents and asking to sleep with them. That usually helped him when there was a storm outside, having someone to hold on to and comfort him. It was only a short distance; their room was located just down the hallway. The only problem: he couldn’t move. Not physically, of course, he was still fully capable of moving, though it certainly felt as though he wasn’t. He was frozen in fear, unwilling to even open his eyes to look around him. How was he supposed to reach his parents’ room when each time another noise came from outside, he attempted to shrink as far as he could beneath the desk?

His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden flash of lightning, followed closely by a rumble of thunder that threatened to shake the whole house. Though someone else’s reaction to such a shock might be to try to run away, Cyrus felt glued to where he sat, a single tear rolling down his face. 

There was definitely no way he was going to his parents now.

Having resigned to his fate, he remained in his little spot on the floor, hoping upon hope that someone might come to help him.

 _2._

“C’mon Cyrus! What’s the point of going to an amusement park if you aren’t gonna ride its most popular roller coaster?”

“Yeah, it’s your birthday! Lighten up a little!”

Cyrus sighed for what felt like the thirteenth time in the conversation. It was true, it was his tenth birthday, but that didn’t mean he was all of a sudden going to risk his life on such a contraption. A bit dramatic, sure, but he didn’t see any real benefits of riding the darn thing, aside from getting his friends to stop bugging him.

“Um, maybe I just don’t want to die today?”

“Fine,” Andi chuckled, “Let’s find something else to –”

“No, no,” Cyrus interrupted, smiling weakly, “You guys go ahead. It would be unfair for me to hold you back just because of some dumb fear.”

“Cyrus,” Buffy said, grabbing his arm, “It’s not dumb. We understand if you don’t want to go, and it won’t be any fun at all if the three of us aren’t together.”

“Yeah, you’re probably too short to ride it anyways.” Andi teased. Cyrus stuck his tongue out at her in reply, both of his friends giggling as they walked off to find something else to do.

He knew what she was trying to do, of course. She was joking around to try and lighten the mood, though he could still sense a bit of disappointment coming from both her and Buffy. He couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault. Sure, he had given them the option to ride the roller coaster without him, and they had chosen not to on their own, but if he hadn’t been so scared, they could’ve all gone together. They could’ve all been laughing and having fun and –

A sudden scream from behind the group made him jump. He quickly turned around to see that the coaster had passed its highest drop, sending those riding it plummeting downward at a speed that made Cyrus’ head spin. Just watching the stupid ride had him sick to his stomach; that definitely did _not_ look like fun to him. There was no way he would set foot on that thing. Yet, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was holding his friends back, that if he could just suck it up and get on the ride, everything would be better.

His friends noticed his obvious distress, looking at him with concerned faces.

“Cyrus,” Andi said slowly, “Are you ok?”

He shook his thoughts out of his mind, trying to force a smile.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

His friends gave each other a look, clearly not believing him, but they didn’t push any further.

“C’mon,” he finally said, running ahead of them, “Let’s go have some fun.”

_3._

“I just don’t understand him sometimes! He’s been really distant lately, and I’m just here on the sidelines, wondering when he’s going to start noticing me again.”

Andi let out an exasperated sigh, slouching into her living room sofa where she sat venting to Cyrus and Buffy. 

“You guys wouldn’t know what it’s like,” Andi continued, “At least you don’t have any bothersome guys to worry about.”

Cyrus grabbed her arm encouragingly. He knew _exactly_ what it was like. After all, he’d been in this exact situation ever since she’d started dating Jonah a few months back, and even before that. Cyrus had been crushing on Jonah for a while, and though he knew his friend was straight, he couldn’t help but be attracted to him. It didn’t help things when Jonah had become more involved in their friend group, and Cyrus began spending more time with him. Then, of course, the worst possible thing had happened: Andi began dating Jonah. Sure, he was happy for them, Andi was one of his best friends, but he also felt sad, and so, _so_ jealous. It was just so unfair! He would have been fine if Jonah was some distant figure, completely out of his reach, but that wasn’t the case. They had become pretty close friends, and now that he was together with Andi, Cyrus was seeing even more of him all of the time. Seeing them together, he sometimes wanted to just break down and cry, but he always held it in long enough to seem alright. 

Despite all of this, he could never bring himself to tell Andi how he was feeling. He wanted her to be happy, after all. She deserved to be happy. But on top of that, there was a fear behind his silence. What would she say? Would she hate him? How would she react? How would _he_ react? He couldn’t bear to see their friendship fall apart over something like this. So he suffered quietly. He faked a smile each time he was with them, pretending like nothing was wrong. He hid his emotions from Andi as best as he could, hoping that she would never realize the truth.

Buffy knew all of this, though. She was the one Cyrus told everything about this situation, and she was always there to comfort him. Even now, in the middle of Andi’s rant, Buffy shot him a concerned look, raising her eyebrows slightly. Cyrus smiled at her reassuringly, and she nodded, returning her attention to Andi who, throwing her hands around in frustration, hadn’t noticed their little interaction. 

A thought suddenly occurred to him: _I can tell her right now._ It would be the perfect time. She would know that she wasn’t alone in how she felt, and he’d finally get to release everything that he’d kept from her all this time. But as he opened his mouth to speak, he suddenly couldn’t find his voice. His thoughts were a mess, scrambling to properly articulate what he wanted to say. Nothing came to him. A tightness in his chest and turning of his stomach indicated to him that his fear was kicking in, something he was well acquainted with. He tried to control his breathing, mentally scolding himself for being afraid of Andi. 

_You’re being ridiculous,_ he told himself, _She won’t get mad at you. She knows you’re gay, and she was super supportive then. It won’t be any different now._

_But what if it is?_

He couldn’t keep that last thought from intruding his mind. He tried his best to shut it out, but it kept coming back. Why was he being like this? This shouldn’t have been as hard as he was making it. Why couldn’t he just –

“Cyrus? Are you even listening?”

Andi’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He blinked a few times, taking in her slightly annoyed face.

“Uh, yeah, of course, I just –”

“What do you think I should do?”

Cyrus hesitated momentarily, trying to remember as much as he could of what she had been talking about before he had zoned out. 

“Just talk to him,” he said finally, “Let him know how you feel. It’ll be easier to work through the problem if you guys are on the same page.”

Andi considered this for a bit. “Yeah, I think I’ll do that. I guess it won’t help if I start ignoring him too. Thanks Cyrus.” she said, smiling at him.

Cyrus smiled weakly in reply. 

_Wow, way to be a hypocrite._

_4._

_Don’t freak out don’t freak out don’t freak out_

It had all happened so suddenly. One moment, it had been a regular Saturday evening hanging out with TJ watching a dinosaur documentary in his room. The next, TJ had shifted over, lying down to use Cyrus’ leg as a pillow. The position itself was actually quite comfortable for Cyrus, but that wasn’t the problem. He could feel his face heating up rapidly. Not even watching the documentary anymore, he instead watched the boy resting in his lap, observing the slow rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, and his heart felt like it was racing at 200 beats a minute. He hoped that TJ wouldn’t sense how tense he had become.

He was especially drawn in by TJ’s hair, flopping over lazily. Usually, it was styled to perfection with an absurd amount of gel. However, today, TJ hadn’t applied any product at all, and ever since he had come over hours ago, Cyrus had been dying to play with the fluffy mass. With a sudden surge of courage, his hand slowly made its way over to TJ’s head, and before he knew it, his fingers were gently combing through his hair. 

One thought immediately struck him: _It’s so soft._

This thought was pushed aside as he observed TJ’s reaction. He may have just been imagining things, the dim lighting playing tricks on his mind, but he could’ve sworn that TJ almost seemed to melt into his touch. The athlete’s body relaxed even more than Cyrus had thought possible. Seeing this, the fluttering feeling in Cyrus’ stomach increased tenfold, but was slowly replaced as more thoughts entered his mind. 

_What are you doing?_ his mind screamed, _You can’t just go around touching people whenever you want, especially guys!_ Most _especially when that guy is TJ!_

Over the past month, Cyrus had grown much closer to TJ. He was the perfect distraction Cyrus had needed from Jonah, and it had worked really well. He didn’t feel his jealousy flare up anymore whenever he saw Andi and Jonah holding hands, or doing anything else equally as couple-y. But even more than that, he simply enjoyed being around TJ. The two were the perfect balance; he kept TJ’s impulse and anger in check while TJ often pushed him out of his comfort zone, encouraging him to do things he never thought he’d be able to do. Even if they were just sitting around and talking, Cyrus felt comfortable in his presence, and he always looked for ways to spend more time with the blond boy. 

What he hadn’t noticed was that his platonic respect and admiration for TJ was changing; morphing into something he had previously felt for Jonah. As he sat there, stroking TJ’s hair, the realization hit him: he had a crush on TJ. 

_No no no this cannot be happening._

It had only been recently that he was sure he had gotten over Jonah, and he wasn’t exactly excited to have his heart broken again. He was almost completely sure that TJ was straight. The guy was the captain of the basketball team for crying out loud! He was by far the most stereotypical straight guy he could think of. Even by the slight chance he wasn’t, Cyrus truly believed there was no way TJ would fall for someone like him. It would be too much of a risk telling TJ how he truly felt. He liked the way their friendship was, and he was scared of losing it. And there it was again: that sinking feeling in his gut, the tightening of his chest, the sudden struggle to breathe properly. He tried his hardest to calm himself down, but made himself a silent promise in his head.

He wouldn’t let himself have a crush on TJ.

He forced his hand to slip away from TJ’s head, and the other boy looked up at him questioningly. 

“I need to use the bathroom.” Cyrus muttered. TJ nodded, moving his head so Cyrus could get up, but he had definitely sensed that something was off. 

When he returned, he made sure to put a small distance between himself and TJ, pulling his knees up to his chest. He saw TJ glancing at him worriedly out of the corner of his eye, seeming to deflate when he wasn’t able to return to their previous positioning, but he didn’t say anything.

It took all of Cyrus’ willpower not to give in and offer his leg for a pillow again, but he needed to stay strong. He couldn’t ruin a friendship that was so dear to him, not over some weird feelings he had. He’d have to avoid getting too close to him physically or else he knew he wouldn’t be able to control himself anymore.

_There is no way I can have a crush on TJ Kippen._

_5._

_Ok, I definitely have a crush on TJ Kippen._

Cyrus had resigned himself to this fate. There was just no denying it at this point. Avoiding physical contact with TJ? Impossible. The two were constantly hugging, sitting much closer to each other than friends would, even briefly holding hands on occasion. 

Their friendship had grown significantly, both boys sharing almost anything and everything with each other. TJ knew almost all of Cyrus’ secrets (except, of course, for his crush), and Cyrus was sure he knew most, if not all, of TJ’s. He sometimes felt as close to the athlete as he did with Andi and Buffy. They had started hanging out more often, if that was even possible at this point.

Of course, Cyrus still hadn’t revealed how he truly felt; there was still too much at stake. He had simply accepted that even though he couldn’t have TJ as a boyfriend, having him as a friend was more than enough. 

One particularly slow Friday evening, Cyrus was laying on TJ’s bed, watching the other boy absentmindedly twirl a pen around his fingers. He was sitting in a chair a short distance away from the bed, his math notebook on his lap. Cyrus was supposed to be helping TJ with some math homework, but the two just couldn’t bring themselves to get any work done. Over the few hours they had been together, they had only gone through two problems. 

“I think we need a break,” Cyrus said finally, “We’re not getting anything done.”

“Only because you keep distracting me.”

“Excuse me,” Cyrus replied, feigning offence, “I will have you know that I’ve been very helpful.”

TJ chuckled in response, turning back to his work, but Cyrus wasn’t having it. He reached over, taking hold of TJ’s right hand, tugging weakly at it.

“C’mon TJ, let’s do something else for a bit! I think I’m going to die of boredom.” 

TJ ignored him, simply wriggling his arm free of Cyrus’ grasp, earning a grumble from the smaller boy. Cyrus huffed, standing up to get a better grip on TJ’s arm, and began pulling with a bit more force. TJ still wouldn’t budge, but looked up at him with an amused expression.

“Well this is new,” he smirked, “You’re usually the one who wants to finish working as quickly as possible.”

“Yeah, but we’re not getting anything done anyway!” Cyrus pouted. TJ eventually gave in, getting up from his seat. Unfortunately, Cyrus chose that moment to give an especially hard tug, causing the other boy to come toppling to the floor, dragging Cyrus with him. 

Cyrus’ eyes went wide as he peered down at the boy below him who appeared equally as flustered as he felt. Luckily, he had been able to catch himself soon enough that their faces didn’t come crashing into each other, but now they were dangerously close. Cyrus froze completely, unsure of what to do in the situation he had caused, but his thoughts began to wander as he started studying the face that was now less than an inch away from his own. He gaze stopped at TJ’s eyes, taking in the beautiful shade of green that he’d witnessed being piercingly cold, but that he knew could also be surprisingly warm. 

“You have really pretty eyes.” he muttered, not realizing he had been speaking out loud.

“I, uh, t-thanks, Underdog,” TJ fumbled, awkwardly shifting beneath Cyrus' weight, “So are we just gonna stay here like this or…?”

Snapping out of his thoughts, Cyrus got off of TJ as quickly as he could, horrified with what had just happened.

“Oh my gosh, TJ I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to make you fall like that I just…sorry, I made things really weird...”

“No, no, not at all,” TJ reassured him, sitting up and placing his hand on top of Cyrus’, “It was pretty funny actually.”

“Heh, yeah, I guess it was.” Cyrus replied, smiling down at the floor.

“Hey, you alright?”

“I...yeah, I’m good.” Seeing the blond boy smile back at him, a sudden surge of confidence flowed through Cyrus. 

“Can I tell you something?” he asked.

“Of course.” 

“I –”

Just as quickly as it had come, his confidence was swept away. He had been planning to tell TJ how he really felt; the urge to do so in that moment had been incredibly strong. Seeing the way TJ looked just then, his hair still a bit messy after he had fallen, his face illuminated by the soft orange glow coming from the window, ugh, that boy was so beautiful. But what was he thinking? What would he even have said? He was almost certain he wouldn’t be able to articulate all of his thoughts and feelings for TJ in a way that wouldn’t drive their friendship apart. 

And there it was again. That feeling he knew all too well.

He was scared.

TJ sensed his hesitation, moving a bit closer to him and bending over slightly to look him in the eyes.

“Cyrus? Are you ok?”

_No._

“Yeah, I just...I really...nevermind, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure?” TJ frowned, “It seems like –”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Cyrus interrupted him, feeling his face burning up, “Please, just forget I said anything.”

TJ was clearly unconvinced, but didn’t say anything further. However, he did make a sound of protest when Cyrus got up from the floor, making his way out of TJ’s room.

“Underdog, what –”

“I think I should get going. See you later, TJ.”

“Cyrus, wait –”

Cyrus didn’t give him a chance to finish, hurrying out of the Kippen household as quickly as he could, mumbling a quick goodbye to a very confused Amber as he left. 

_+1._

The following Monday at school, Cyrus made his way to his locker. He had avoided TJ the rest of the weekend, too afraid to face him again so soon. Several worried texts from the blond boy remained unread in his phone. 

He turned around when he felt a tap on his shoulder, coming face to face with Amber.

“Cyrus,” she said, a hint of annoyance in her voice, “Why are you avoiding TJ?”

“I’m not.” he replied lamely, suddenly unable to look her in the eyes. 

“What happened? You and my brother have been super close lately, I didn’t think anything would be able to separate you two. Then all of a sudden, you’re running away from him? Ignoring his texts? What’s going –”

“I like him.” Cyrus muttered nervously, effectively stopping her rambling. 

“What?”

“I...I like TJ.”

They stood there for a few moments, neither of them saying anything. The silence was unbearable, and Cyrus was sure Amber would burst into a rant about staying away from her brother at any moment. Instead, she surprised him by pulling him into a tight hug. Shocked by the kind gesture, Cyrus felt a few tears pricking the corners of his eyes. After she had pulled away, he quickly wiped them away with his shirt sleeve, looking up to see Amber smiling gently at him. 

“Thank you so much for telling me, I had no idea.” she said, suddenly looked a bit sheepish, “Sorry I started off a little rude.”

“It’s fine,” Cyrus chuckled, “I was acting really weirdly. I totally understand why you were mad.”

Amber took both of his hands in her own, looking back into his eyes, but without the hard expression from before.

“Look, TJ told me some of what happened, and I can’t say I really understand it all, but he’s really upset about it. He thinks this is somehow all his fault, but – not to place the blame on you or anything – I think we both know that’s not the case. Please, just talk to him.”

Cyrus nodded, promising to himself that he’d make this better.

\----------------------------------

“Hey, TJ.”

School had just finished, and Cyrus found the other boy at his locker, looking as sad as Amber had said. Cyrus felt a pang of guilt knowing he had caused it. When he heard his name, he turned around, his expression shifting almost instantly to surprised, then to hopeful, then to nervous. 

“What’s up, Underdog?” he replied, fidgeting with the drawstring of his hoodie, “How was –”

He was cut off as Cyrus wrapped his arms around the jock as tightly as he could. He felt the other boy tense up slightly as he hugged him, which he tried his best to ignore. As much as he wanted to stay that way forever, he forced himself to pull away so he could look directly into the taller boy’s face.

“TJ, I’m so, so sorry for the way I acted last Friday. None of what happened is your fault. I was just about to tell you something, but I panicked at the last second. I shouldn’t have run away, and I definitely shouldn’t have ignored you. I was just so scared because...because…”

As he spoke, a familiar feeling crept into his body. His chest tightened, and his breathing became a bit more laboured. His mind struggled through his little speech, but he was determined to finish it. He knew that if he didn’t say anything now, he might not find the courage to speak up again for a long while. He wasn’t going to let his fear get in the way of his feelings.

Not this time.

“I like you, TJ.” he blurted out before he could force himself into silence.

TJ’s mouth dropped open slightly, and he began very visibly blushing, but didn’t say anything, so Cyrus continued.

“I love being your friend, I really do. You’re one of the most important people in my life, and I didn’t want to risk that over a crush. I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but it’s only fair for you to know. I just didn’t want to lose you.”

Cyrus watched TJ’s face, looking for a reaction. Any reaction would have been better than silence. But TJ just continued to stare at him, his eyes wide. Cyrus sighed, dropping his gaze to the floor. He had expected some sort of rejection, but this felt even worse. He was about to turn around and leave when TJ finally decided to act, gently cupping Cyrus’ face and leaning closer to him. The next thing Cyrus knew, TJ’s lips were pressed against his.

The Kippens were just full of surprises, apparently.

The kiss was quick, but it was enough for Cyrus. He stood there in complete shock as TJ pulled away, giggling at his reaction.

“You’re going to have to try harder than that to lose me.” TJ smirked.

They smiled at each other, and in that moment, Cyrus felt his fears melt away. He knew for a fact they weren’t gone completely, that they would come back to him eventually, but he was relieved to know he had TJ by his side. He had Buffy and Andi too, and even Jonah. He wasn’t alone. And as leaned into the blond boy for another kiss (which TJ happily accepted), he knew that he didn’t have to be afraid.


End file.
